Lunacy
by crocket
Summary: This is a short story. A one off unless i get people asking for me to add chapters to it. Harry meets an attractive women and gives several people a bad couple od days. Left it as in progress just in-case.


This might be a one shot. Then again I might not put it up as it just few hours drivel as I tapped away an odd idea in my head . I am beginning to wonder if my head is like Mad-eyes trunk as it seems to have more ideas in it than a normal mind should.

**LUNA-CY**

I OWN NOTHING BUT MY OWN IMAGINATION. LOOKS AROUND AND HIS BISCUITS.( POINTS TO INVISABLE friend).

Harry sat under the shade of a tree and thought.

Harry was a simple boy it was just his life that wasn't a few months ago he had 'won' the tri-wizard tournament. A few months prior to that he got another taste of betrayal. Ron had gone of on one and nothing Harry or Hermoine had said would stop him. He was always calling Harry 'his best mate' but other than his release from prison also known as 4 privet drive little winging Surrey and the old jumper what had he got from Ron?

When Ron finally come around he had not done much to help Harry at all instead it was chess and Quidditch. Hermoine on the other hand had helped him and even been by his side all the way through. He knew she was in the same boat as him neither having much luck with friends either making them or keeping them.

Harry had been tired and well he was not sure what but he was pretty sure Hermoine would have a word for it and a list of books explaining it. He Had seen Cedric die the 'Dark Git' reborn then he had been slung into jail (see previous address for jails whereabouts) Then when he was aloud out he was followed and now the papers were calling him nuts. He Didn't bother about what they said about 'the Headmaster' as to be honest it was quite true.

He was disturbed from his thoughts by a soft silky and most definitely female voice. "Hello young one, Why the long face?"

Harry looked up and saw a women he would have to be a eunuch to think she was ugly or maybe Fudge as he couldn't tell what looked good from bad by any measure if his hat and clothes were to go by and that Toad in human clothes that had turned up was another example.

She had long (and he thought about this a bit) Mahogany coloured hair that was as wild as his and as bushy as Hermoine. Her face was like the classic pear shape. Her eyes he noticed were green but were his were like Emeralds hers were like leaves on a tree or the grass. She was taller than him but as so many others were that did not matter. She wore a long silvery coloured dress that showed she was most certainly female no male had that many curves and from what he could see boy did she have them in the right places. Sadly and he did dis-spare at this he took all this in after he checked to see if she had a wand or some other weapon in her hand.

He shook his head and was about to speak when she beat him to it.

"Why you seem sadder now I am here than before maybe I should leave?" She looked at him Questionable.

He smiled and this time he did speak " OK you are hot I mean really really hot. I know from my dorm mates I should be trying to get a peak at anything covered in material but sadly with my life did I see a hot women ? No I checked to see if you were armed."

He shook his head "What sort of teenager looks for weapons before checking out a women's figure?"

She looked at him a little stunned then like birds braking the dawn chorus a sound so pure so full of life bust from her lips. That he now noticed had no lipstick on but were still full and inviting. Then he noticed the sound was laughter. "Bloody hell I must be dense " he told himself (in his own head . He didn't want her to think he was a bigger looser already.)

He politely waited till she finished but she seemed to milk it for all it was worth (Her did not consider himself being a looser that funny 'sad yes funny no)

"You still have not answered my question young one."

Harry wondered if she was related to Obi one Kenobi or maybe Dumbledore he could see no horse body but she did sound centoreish with all this young one stuff.

Harry sighed and asked if she wanted to sit next to him as this may take some time. He then head-butted the tree again to her amusement. He rose took of his school cloak and then said "Sorry maybe if we were taught real history more often I would remember things like Drake and his cloak for the Queen instead of what Goblin hit what Wizard for what reason. She laughed again "Drake?"

He shook his head " You must be a Pureblood. Sir Francis Drake was a famous explorer he was a muggle one of the tales about him is how one day he lay an expensive cloak over a puddle so the Queen of England would not get her shoes dirty."

She looked at him a twitching mouth showed she was trying not to laugh again. "So I look like a Queen then?"

He nodded and went to a very nice shade of red that would not look out of place on an Apple.

" I have noticed you seem very adept at dodging questions?"

Harry smiled "would you believe your beauty is like a powerful confundious charm and my wits have left me?"

That was it she clutched her stomach and burst out with laughter.

Harry went back to what he decided should be a good hobby head butting trees.

"It has been some time since I have laughed so much thank you."

Harry just nodded (yer it OK for you now how am I ever going to ask any one out I will just remember the first time I complimented a women on her looks it took her 20 minutes to stop laughing.) "That's OK glad I could be of some use.

"My Question?"

"Hmm would you believe you have spent so much time laughing I have forgotten it?"

She shook her head and her hair seemed to flow rather than swish. "No I do not think I would believe it"

"OK just checking." He said with a grin. He looked at her and shook his head "you could have laughed for another 20 minutes then it would been time for me to go in."

She looked at him "You could have said you prefer not to say." She informed him.

"Yes but women are nosey, I mean mental, (Bugger this was not the time to suffer from Ron disease) What I mean to say is women like to know things and I like to look at you if we ran out of time you would have to see me again to get your answer."

She had tears in her eyes and she was shaking. He waited for her explosion of laughter and was not disappointed.

"OK Tomorrow is Sunday I will be here awaiting my answer,Will you be here to give it?"

Harry stood and offered her his hand to help her up she had a very strong grip. " I might be shall we say a little slow? It sounds better than an incompetent moron, well to my ego what's left of it any way. I did point out I thought you hot do you really think I that 'slow' that I would miss another opportunity to make you laugh. I mean answer you question"

She looked at him and did a good Spock impression of raising one eyebrow. He held up his hand "OK we will forget I asked you that." He smiled he really did not want to know the answer. She smiled "till the morrow then about noon?"

He thought about it and nodded.

As he made his way to the school he suddenly thought "Who the hell wonders around the forbidden forest unarmed?" He smiled maybe Elves like in lord of the rings.

He spent the rest of his time studying. (not because he wanted to but because Hermoine would not shut up.) Why he got nagged more than Ron when his grades were better he had no idea and as it was only the second day at school and they had not had any classes yet what was he supposed to study. An image of a certain women came to mind he blushed (and made sure his lower body was well under the table) and picked up another book. He shook his head this defence book was rubbish.

Harry awoke and after greeting his friends '?' they went for breakfast. Harry saw Luna sitting alone as always and called her over.

"Hi Luna you want sit with us for breakfast?"

Luna looked at Harry's two friends Ron looked surprised while Hermoine had her head in her hands.

" I Don't think they want me to I think they have Wrackspurts."

Harry looked at his two friends '?'

He shook his head " Luna did they ask you or me? You don't care what your whole house thinks so why care what these two think?"

Luna for once looked at him with both eyes "Because Harry you should do what you can to keep your friends happy."

Harry smiled "Would you like to have breakfast with me?"

Luna nodded.

" You are one of my friends aren't you?"

She looked a little red but nodded .

"Then by your own rules you have to sit with me."

He made room for her.

A "emm emm " Broke through as he and Luna chatted Hermoine kept say this and that did not exist."

Harry and the other turned the 'Toad was behind them.

He knew he shouldn't but Hermoine was bugging him goading him and she knew he would not blow up at her.

"You should go see Madam Pomfrey she helps with all my health problems I would hate for you to be to ill for our first class."

The 'Toad' went red "You are Ravenclaw you should not be sitting there."

This was directed at Luna.

She made to get up but Harry stopped her.

"Do you know what today is?"

The 'Toad' Looked at him and snarled out " I fail to see the point in that question. You should not speak to your better like that."

Harry nodded "You mean you don't know today is the 'weekend' Sunday to be precise and as such is not a school day and also as such school rules do not apply."

He Looked at her as she got redder and redder. "As you are new to this school maybe you should read the school rules first before making a fool of yourself. As to talking to my better I should remind you that I pay your wages as such I am your boss one of many so who is better the boss or the hired help?"

Hermoine was shocked the Twins were trying not to fall of the bench with laughter and most the school was staring at him in shock. Harry had not finished yet though.

"Oh can I see your tri-wizard trophy I can show you mine? Maybe we could get together and discuss how the best way is to kill dark lords. I assume you have some experience fighting them and Deatheaters like I do?"

The 'toad ' looked ready to explode when Professor McGonagal came over to hand out their timetables.

"Is something the matter Professor Umbridge?"

"this this' this half-blood arrogant snot has detention all today and every night for the rest of term."

She was spitting with rage quite literally. Harry pulled out a hanky "for some one who says she is my superior you can't seem to string a sentence along even or talk with out spraying everyone in front of you."

McGonagall looked shocked that Harry would talk like this. She was in for more.

"All I did Professor was point out I pay her wages she does not pay mine I have defeated dark lords she has not I have faced and won battles against Deatheaters so were does she get of with her attitude?"

McGonagall was shocked but they just kept on coming.

" I Even have a bloody trial as I defended my self and my cousin from Dementors."

Umbridge was lived "You arrogant twerp I don't know who or how you got them Dementors away but next time they wont fail."

She shut up and hurried off as she knew she might have let to much slip.

"Expecto Patronus" harry voice called out she turned to see a huge silver stag charge her . She fell onto her ass and the turned and run.

The mocking "That is how I get rid of Dementors and other loathsome dark things as they all run before prongs"

The twins shot him a look. "Did he just say prongs?"

McGonagall would later blame stress but at the time never thought of it. "Yes Prongs he named it after his fathers Marauders name."

The twins turned in shock. "he is the son of prongs the shot around the table and were soon singing "we are not worthy teach us oh master of pranks."

Harry had to smile McGonagall paled as it hit her what she had just done Moony and Padfoot were still alive if they and the twins, she went white and made her way to the teachers table the timetables forgotten.

" Harry you shou."

She stopped Harry had placed his hand over her mouth. "Hermoine was I incorrect in any of my statements?"

She had to shake her head as he had not removed his hand.

" Hermoine is there a code by witch teachers are supposed to follow?"

She nodded.

"Is this a weekend and as such not a school day so we can sit were we want?"

She nodded again.

"then why was I wrong in correcting a teacher?"

She sighed as he moved his hand. "Harry she is a person in charge they know what is best for us."

He smiled at her "Are you sure you want to keep that as your answer."

"yes you should always respect people in charge and do as they say."

"Quirrel my first year also known as Voldemort personal carrier. Teacher and dark lord all rolled into one. He wanted me to give him the Philosophers stone should I have so we could have an immortal dark lord?"

He carried on "Lockhart second year wanted to wipe mine and Ron's memory's and let Ginny die should I have let him?"

She went to answer him not noticing the Twins as well as half the Gryffindor's were listening in and one Ravenclaw.

"Then we have mad-eye he wanted to sacrifice me so Voldemort could live again. Should I let him kill me?"

He smiled and then we have King George who was renowned for being insane was he the right person to rule this country?"

She wanted to say that yes but she couldn't he was winning this argument hands down.

He continued Dumbledore was made supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. He got them titles by defeating Grindelwald. Let us suppose he snuck up behind Grindelwald and stabbed him with a knife in the back while under an invisibility cloak." He held up his hand and blocked her mouth.

"There is no record how he won so my way is as reasonable as any other." He continued "How does defeating Grindelwald make him qualified for any positions?" Then he smiled "If all you need to become Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot or supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards .Then my defeat of Voldemort means the jobs are now mine."

She stared at him "Harry it is not that simple He was a transfiguration teacher first then ."

She stopped as he held his hand over her mouth. " How does teaching kids to turn a matchstick into a needle make you qualified to run country's"

He had her there "While we are at it how long have you known of the magical world?"

She looked at him confused and answered "just over 4 years. The same as you."

"OK so in 4 years you have read every book on all known animals in the magical world then?"

Hermoine had a feeling she knew were this was going but had no choice but to answer. "No Harry I Haven't but."

He stopped her again "then you have no idea if the animals Luna mentions are real or not have you considered the crumple nosed snokak could be what wizards call rhinos? How many animal do muggles call one thing and Wizards call another and I would suggest you start with the Dodo."

She looked shocked he was right she had not considered that and she knew that magical world did indeed call a Dodo by another name she had been the one to tell Harry this after all."

She turned to Luna "It seems I owe you an apology." She held out her hands and took Luna's into hers "Luna I am truly sorry for what I have said I can only hope it does not and has not hurt you."

she then got up and run from the hall she could take telling others they were wrong and every one said she was the smartest witch around now she had to her eyes been humiliated.

Harry went back to his breakfast and talking to Luna Ron grabbed Harry and went to give him a rollicking for making Hermoine cry.

Harry just looked at him and spoke "Ron how many time does she shove stuff in our faces now she knows how it feels, if it makes you feel any better go chat with her. I have done nothing wrong and refuse to be made to feel guilty because some one does not like what I say."

Ron got up and left the twins still kneeling spoke up. "Harry that Basilisk is it still there only it could be useful. We could use some of it in potions and some clothes from it would be better than dragon hide."

Harry stared at them then smiled "Boys I think it is about time you two did some research. Find out how to harvest a Basilisk and also send some feelers out for buyers maybe we could have some clothes made free if we gave some of the skin away." He smiled "and boys I think a dagger made from its fangs could put a crimp in Mouldyshorts soon to be short life."

They could not run away fast enough.

Harry got up and said he was going for a walk Luna smiled and thanked him he reached down and gave her a gentile kiss on her forehead. "Hermoine has me and Ron she forgets she was friendless once as well."

Luna blushed and many sent looks at her. Not all were friendly.

Harry made his way around the school and was about to go out side when a voice spoke up "Potter you have detention come with me." he turned the 'Toad ' was there. He smiled held up one finger but to be fair it was an important finger and walked off.

She was fuming and in a move that was not recommended by any who had seen Harry fight threw a curse at his back.

He had heard it coming and as Professor Flitwick (He had come to tell Harry thanks for how he treated Luna. He knew about the cruelty but until it was reported his hands were tied) Went to shout

Protego or some other shield Harry dodged to one side and turned and fired in one single fluid movement. Harry had sent a cutting hex and Professor Umbridge screamed as her wand exploded and burnt her hand. Harry stood up and fired a Petrificus Totalus spell at her then he walked over and stood on her hand. She was unable to scream or do anything as Harry bent down and Filius heard him say.

" I told you to read the school rules the Headmaster even mentioned it on the first day " he smiled "No magic in the corridors how dumb are you?" and by the way that was a rhetorical question as you have so few things that stupid to compare yourself to maybe a Toad no not one them Neville has one and though I do see a resemblance his Toad is quite intelligent."

Filius came up to them and Harry smiled at him "Professor as you saw I was not in the corridor when I used magic unlike this bloated back of well I would say excrement but to be honest that at least makes plants grow what use she is I have no idea she had surprise and is supposed to teach this stuff but I still beat her." He looked at the diminit no bugger it he was not Hermoine the guy was a midget a shrimp he was small. Why use big long words others had to look up when one simple one did the same job.

Filius smiled " I shall take her to the infirmary and I shall also report this to the minister and the Auror's and the board of governors please Mr Potter enjoy the rest of your day."

Harry left whistling a tune why several late comers and one witness went to start the Hogwarts rumour mill. (many thought this was a description of a load of girls giggling and gossiping it was in-fact the school news letter )So with a spring in his step, nope it was a stone how the hell it had got into his shoe he had no idea but he soon removed it and went to sit under his tree (well it wasn't his but any student dumb enough to complain to a teacher that Harry was sitting under their tree in the forbidden forest deserved all they got) Stone removed and now a bounce in his step he went and finally he hoped got some piece and quiet.

"Hello you ready to answer my questions now?"

Harry looked up and sighed " 5 mins of alone time seems impossible but at least you better looking than the Toad. Plus I thought it was one Question?"

She wore the same style of clothes today but instead of silver they looked like copper.

He stood and removed his cloak witch she promptly sat on.

"Who or what is the Toad?"

Harry smiled "you never answered my question."

She smiled " I am in line first as you not answered my first question yet."

Harry smiled "no but I did answer ones that followed."

He had a point. " As you made me wait for an answer I decided if you got here earlier than before I would have time for more questions, you did say us women were mental after all."

He shook his head "OK OK The Toad is the new defence teacher she tried to enforce non existing rules on to me then she insulted me then as I came out the school she fired a hex at my back."

The Beautiful women (who he still had not asked the name of did not look so beautiful now in fact she reminded him of a protective Molly Weasly) She ground out between clenched teeth "what happened to her ?"

Harry smiled and said "OK as you asked so nice I will give you the full story."

He went on and told him his whole morning from putting Hermoine in her place to sitting under the tree.

"And then this vision of lovelornness interrupted my morning snooze."

She laughed and he half hoped it would be till tea time as she really did have one of the most uplifting laughs he had ever heard.

"OK as you are so attractive and as I do owe you an answer I will tell you."

He went on to tell her a lot more than he originally wanted to he started with his first year and by the end of it she had an arm draped around his neck then the second year she had his head pulled against her shoulder his third year she had tears coming down her face then his forth year and Cedric's death she had his head cradled in him cradled on her arms and was rocking him as he spoke.

"Then I have some toad faced cow tell me I am inferior to her."

She looked down at him he hadn't even took the time to notice his face was very very close to her chest they both had tear tracks down their faces.

She looked at him and shook her head "Fate can be a real cow as well at times."

Harry smiled "If I ever get to meet her I going put a sticking charm on her stick her to the wall and put an itching hex in several places so she can feel how it is to be me."

She laughed " I can almost see her being stuck up in more ways than one."

She became serious for a moment. "Harry"

Harry (the ever clueless as he renamed himself later when he realised what he had missed an opportunity to sneak a peak at, as she listened to his tale of woe. I mean my life) Looked up.

"yes?"

She smiled at him " If you could have any wish what would it be?"

Harry smiled and laughed " do you know what most would ask for if they were me?"

She nodded "Voldemort dead?"

Harry nodded "Yes but to be honest why sully a precious thing like a wish with death?"

She smiled and pulled him a bit closer so she could kiss his forehead. "that is a very mature and unusual answer."

" So you heard my life story tell me what is usual?"

He had her there so she made no comment.

He thought about it then smiled " I would wish that I could find and show Luna and all the doubters her miraculous creatures."

The women started this was not anything she had expected.

"not some super power to defeat Dark lords or their followers? Not some freedom from the prison known as Privet drive number four if I remember correctly?"

He laughed " No Luna has one friend I think and me. Yet she is always happy and a smile on her face. (after the year he had, had may the Gods show mercy on any one stupid enough to hurt one of his friend as after kicking Umbridge or was it 'Umbitch' he was unsure he shrugged mentally it didn't mater but kicking did.) She makes me laugh and happy. Plus it would screw with the Ravenclaws minds to all be wrong and only her right, Hermoine would just be a bonus."

She laughed and if Harry was not 'Harry the ever clueless' he would have seen a sight most men love to see when a women's chest responds to her laughter. (sadly it also did not hit him till later. Plus it hurt like hell to think of missed opportunity's. Head-butting a wall or some object was now considered the national sport of Potterville he decided when he came round after thinking of how he had no recollection how them twin orbs felt against him.)

"So Harry" she began "how would this wish work?"

He smiled "no idea maybe I could bring them into existence from my own imagination or maybe be like a point me spell and just know were they are"

She smiled "would it help if you could at least communicate with them as well?"

Harry broke into a huge grin then started to laugh "Imagine " he said between sobs (this of laughter not tears) If I called them to prison and they had a taste for the roses, or what if a Wrackspurt infection hit old Voldy" He started to giggle (many who have seen to much TV would say it was rather insane sounding, Less embittered people would say he was simple letting out some stress( while backing away slowly after all why take a chance)and this was healthy for him)

She had to laugh as well it wasn't that Harry had one of them contagious laughs it was how he could turn a wish to help a friend into a weapon of mass pranking. She made up her mind then and there.

After a while Harry got up and said he had to go as he was hungry but he told her he came to this spot often and if she wanted he would be more than happy to look at her.(He smacked his head against the tree) talk to I mean talk to you. That was it she was about to get up so he could have his cloak but she fell onto the floor and curled up with laughter. So Harry did what any person would do in his spot (or so he thought) he head butted the tree a few more times for good measure.

Harry got to the castle eventually (she had took nearly an hour to calm down every time she looked at him it set her of again) just in time for tea. Harry took his place and noticed he was getting many strange looks. He was so used to this he paid next to no attention to it.

"So did " said one "you really" said the other as Harry turned to the twins "Make her wand" said Tweedle Dee (I really must introduce them to that book) "explode and knock her on her rear?" finished Tweedle Dum. Harry smiled

"Who the Toad Umbitch?" he shook his head well aware the whole table and maybe a few Ravenclaws were listening in and knowing the Twins (and he did know them as he rarely talked to strangers) her new names would soon be spread around the school in the most embarrassing way.

He shook his head again and several noticed the large bruise on it around his scar. (this would later turn into the curse Umbitch had fired at him. there would not any denial on his part as this sounded better than I hit a tree with my head as I forgot to look down a women's top when given the chance.) I mean Umbridge but yes she tried to curse me and I dodged landed on the floor and hit her with a cutting hex and a body bind. Professor Flitwick saw it and took her to the hosp."

The second most annoying sound in Hogwarts started (the first being Umbitch and her Emm Emm).

"So Potter has a thing for Looney Lovegood then?"

Harry stood up and smiled it was not a pleasant smile. "So Ferret did Daddy waddy tell his spoilt obnoxious under powered remedial of a son that I kicked his and his half blood bastard lords arses? Because if he did what do you think a no hope no talent two legged ferret like you can do to me ? Our brand new defence teacher tried a surprise attack against me when my back was turned and I kicked her flabby toad spawn laying jacksy to the hospital wing.

Draco Malfoy (yes the boy who put women to shame with his bathroom cabinet of hair products) blanched well went very very pastier (I will have to ask Hermoine if pastier is a word) took a step back and bumped into his two goons (though some did wonder why he always had them behind him?) Pansy went to speak up but stopped when harry shot her a gaze.

Snape came over "What you doing now Potter?"

Harry smiled "good just the Grease-ball I wanted to see now all I need is a teacher." he looked around as Snape fumed and the rest of the hall stared. "Professor Flitwick I am in need of a teacher. As only Snape is about and he should be lucky to be considered an apprentice let alone a teacher I wonder if you would give me a hand?"

Filius looked up as his name was called and so did the other Professor's Dumbledore did not look happy and even from here Filius could see Snape wanted blood.

"OK Mr Potter what do you want?" He asked as he jumped down from his high chair and walked over.

"Well Ferret here(he pointed to Draco) and Grease-ball here(he pointed to Snape) both have a problem they are the disease and I am the cure(dam it sounded good coming from him just like in the film he had seen once) Ferret boy challenged me to a duel some years ago and he as a coward never turned up but he did send Filch my way. Contestant number two the Grease-ball hates my guts takes points from me In potions for breathing and if you wish as a Ravenclaw you know how to look this up. (Filius did not look happy to hear about the point system being used for childish revenge.)So I thought I would settle both accounts now so neither can run away to Daddy or they Halfblood bastard dark lord with tales of being blindsided or me cheating.

The Headmaster stood up. "Mr Potter there is no need for such language and you are forbidden to fight in the great hall."

Harry smiled "OK as we are going to fight on the Quidditch pitch no worry's but family honour demands that I do this. Or would you like to take there place as my supposed Magical guardian?"

Dumbledore blanched.

" So headmaster you going to do your duty for once or leave it to me again?"

McGonagal stood up "Mr Potter how dare you speak."

Harry cut her off "First year who fought and destroyed voldys body when he came for the stone me or him(he pointed to the headmaster) second year who pulled the sword of Gryffindor out the hat and killed the Basilisk me or him(points again to the headmaster. Third year who catches the traitor and Deatheater Peter Pettigrew and has evidence that he(points to Dumbledore) fails to notify any one of. Forth year who could have set 3 simple task like 1 a treasure hunt to find an Easter egg 2 a broom race and 3 a duel fulfilling the torment needs then restarting with making sure I was not entered (he point to Dumbledore again) So tell me deputy headmistress who failed to notify parent of the dangers in this school who failed to check on the stone after being warned not even questioning how we knew so much ,how am I being out of line if you did half a good job as you two talked then this would be a great school. Now shut up while I take care of a matter of honour, you two might want to look that word up.

To sasy the whole school was stunned would be like saying women like chocolate and diamonds. McGonagall who had never had her faults shown to her in such a verbal and public manner sat down with a white face and trembling hands. Dumbledore sat down in much the same state.

Hermoine even in shock spoke "But only Gryffindor's heir can pull that sword out from were ever it was hidden."

Harry smiled "Ron is jealous enough of me with out that as well. Bumbles up their told me while I was in the hospital wing that only an Heir of Gryffindor could get it. So I did some checking and found out it makes me one quarter owner of this place but as I defeated Riddle I hereby lay claim to the line of Slytherin." A white flash hit him and all saw he held the sword of Gryffindor in one hand and a ring glowing red in the other.

Susan Bones called out "harry if black is innocent why hasn't any one heard?"

Harry turned and smiled as he smacked the ring with his sword to make it behave this failed so he called Fawkes who appeared and then cried onto the ring. A green cloud shot from it before exploding into a rank mess then Harry put on his new ring. "Ha guess that means I own half this school old man(looking at a certain Headmaster) Thanks Fawkes least someone in this place cares about the students in the Headmasters office.

He turned again to Susan "If he was guilty why is the Headmaster hiding him? Also we could ask why the Headmaster had my Godfather sent to Azkaban

Susan was white with rage her Family were the law ( well they were all in law enforcement any way) with out a trial?"

Harry grinned and just pointed "Need you ask he wanted me to be a mushroom "Kept in the dark and fed excrement) If My Godfather who I was kidnapped from on the night my parents were killed had kept me I would not be his pawn now would I?"

" Any way lets go outside so I can teach these Deatheater's or may be it's Deatheater and wannabe a lesson" He turned to Flitwick "coming professor?"

He left the hall and most the school followed the two supposed to be top still sat in shock.(Headmaster and mistress in-case any one was wondering)

They stopped by the now returned to normal Quidditch pitch and Harry divested himself of some clothes did a few stretches and called out to his two opponents "One at a time or both together?"

Filius cautioned him and said Snape was good and also vicious. Harry just smiled. Then cracked his knuckles and moved into position. Snape and Draco sneered at him and Harry had to laugh. In loud voice he called out "So you Hypocrite Grease-Ball and you oh 8 wonder of the world bouncing ferret you ready?"

Snape snarled and Draco looked lived "I find it amusing you Grease-ball that you call me a attention seeking brat yet Draco is always in every ones face I also find it amusing how you go on about I receive special privileges because of my status yet you Grease-Ball do every thing in your power to make your Squib Godson Draco look good. Even if it says in the Rules of the school Family can not give or take points from family with out an adjudicator. "

Harry hit the deck as a twin beams of yellow light shot at him quickly followed by two more. He rolled out the way as some Flitwick cast two body binds and a stupefy before most had time to pull out their wands. Harry got up and smiled waving his arms around "Yay I won" Many looked shocked as Harry had not cast a spell.

"You are correct Mr Potter as they started before the go and as they had not informed you that they were ready you win by default. As to their dishonour how are you going to do that?" harry smiled and vanished all Snape's and Draco's hair then he changed their clothes into a matching pair of female ballerina gear topped of with the words coward and dishonoured etched onto their foreheads.

Filius tried but he failed as did many others to hold in their laughter while Draco and Snape danced their way back to the school.

"Mr Potter you seemed to know some quite advanced spells there that compulsion charm to make them dance is 7th year work the transfiguration work was 6th year work and the branding curse well I have not seen it used in almost 100 years."

Harry smiled "this day has been a long day in coming so I wanted to be prepared."

The Twits (twins I meant) came over bowed and said again how they were not worthy before dragging the Greevley brother with them to take pictures (later sold at 1 galleon each. All profits to the prank the Slytherin charity)

Harry went straight to bed it had been a long day.

If he had stayed awake he might have seen a certain Mahogany haired women lean over him and kiss his forehead before granting his wish.

Harry awoke and got ready for class and after hitting his head against a wall a few times (he was still not happy about missed opportunity's) Had a quick shower and went to breakfast.

Breakfast was not how he expected it every one was silent as he walked in and every one was staring at him (he checked his fly even looked behind himself) then gave up OK so what's wrong now I Checked my fly so that's not hanging out. I am in uniform."

He lifted his arms "Had a shower so not that come on guys give me a clue?"

"Harry" (Tweedle Dum) "it's like this" (Tweedle Dee) "you kicked 2 teachers butts and got Snape and Malfoy into tutu's "( both together) "you won the Tri- Wizard tournament(Dee this time I think)

"and you missed the decorations on the door" (both together) Harry turned around and walked backwards when the Doors shut he began to laugh there instead of the normal Door was two larger than life size posters one on each side Snape on the left Draco on the right Holding hands in the middle and twirling in their Ballerina costumes.

He had to take gulps of air so he could breath and nodded to them "Dee, Dum you have done your master proud."

They looked at him confused then he passed them a book "read my pupils and all will be revealed. Pay attention to the caterpillar."

Hermoine looked stricken the twins with 'Alice in wonderland' her mind boggled. Then it his her the caterpillar the mushroom she shook her head some one was going to pay for this and it would not be harry. As he sat the Headmaster stood " I am sad to inform you that if you have potions or defence against the dark arts that you will not have a teacher available today as both are in the hospital (he glared at Harry who rose up and bowed) so please be responsible and read up." He was interrupted by some one he was fast coming to dislike.

"You mean like we have to for history of magic? You would have thought that he would been replaced by now what's he spend his wages on?"

Dumbledore was about to answer (after he thought of something other than 'my lemon drops')

When the hall doors swung open to reveal several Auror's including Madam Bones "That is a very good Question Lord Gryffindor or should I call you Earl Slytherin ?" Harry smiled and as he was standing gave her a bow "My lady allow me to introduce myself. I am (He took a deep breath to witch many laughed) The boy who lived who is insane and a liar Harry Potter lord Gryffindor and Earl Slytherin. (He Let out his breath what was left of it)

Madam Bones smiled "You forgot Lord Potter."

Harry stopped grinning "What do you mean Lord Potter what else has that two faced prune imitating lemon drop sucking liar not told me?"

Madam Bones was shocked he had gone from a teen hacking it up to some one with a very serious look. One that if he had a chance would be killing Dumbledore right about now.

"You mean you did not know your Mother and Father were Lord and Lady Potter?"

"NO I DID NOT! " He turned to the Headmaster I by the powers invested in me "Dumbledore paled and jumped up "Harry don't be hasty I did not want you to be burdened at such a young age."

It was not the right thing to say (hindsight is so wonderful) Harry started a rant not a small rant but a major one naming names pointing fingers and when or if that did not work he resorted to his ace in the hole (his owner ship of Hogwarts)

Madam Bones was shocked she had not been informed till last night that He who must have a really long name as no one can be bothered to say it even after 10 years of him supposedly being dead still refuse to say it. Had in-fact been teaching her niece. Then the fact he let Lucius of with handling old what's his name's diary (that sounded like a horucrux and if it was Dumble would be in jail this very night). The fact Lockhart was not an accident but he had tried to Obliviate two students (one who was Harry Potter but was also starting to get a really long and silly name) was beyond a joke. Not to get her started on Barty crouch jnr. and Snr. The whole school held their breath when Harry ( I really need anger management )Potter stopped his rant.

"Harry do you have any proof about Pettigrew?"

Harry smiled yep sure have."

"What ?"

"well first I and my Godfather are willing to be Questioned under Veritissium so is Remus Lupin. We Will all willing submit Penseive memory's as well."

madam Bones smiled then he spoke up.

" I am Afraid Harry can not be Questioned under veritisum nor can werewolves."

Harry Actually smiled "Why can't I old man?"

"Harry as your Legal Guardian I refuse to let you"

"You forget old man you kidnapped me from my legal Guardian on the night of my parents murder a full week before the so called Pettigrew incident."

Bone's looked at him and spoke in a cold hard voice "Is this true ?"

The Headmaster decided to sacrifice a pawn in hope of keeping a Queen (If harry Knew Dumbles thought of him as a Queen he would slit his lemon drop bag and stuffed them full of laxatives instead). No it is untrue Hagrid got Harry and brought him to me.

The Headmaster really should watch what he says and who is present as both McGonagall (right hook to nose ) And Hagrid (got up and chucked him length of hall to land in-front Auror's" were not pleased . He tried to get up but Harry was standing on his beard.

"On who's orders did you take him to the headmaster Hagrid" She was not a happy bunny (mind you she wasn't happy full stop. He should be happy she was only a displeased Auror and not a raving mad mother like Molly Weasly)

Hagrid spoke through clenched teeth "That two faced back stabbing lemon drop sucking. What else wa it Arry oh yer. Prune imitating scum Albus Bloody I got control every one Dumbledore"

Madam Bones was happy and sad " I am am sorry but he is right until Sirius was proclaimed innocent he is your guardian legally or illegally ."

Harry smiled Ron and Hermoine also witnessed it. But I think they will do as Pruney here wants as he pays them to hang around me I mean why else do I have 5 friends in a school this size? He counted them of Ron Hermoine Ginny Neville and Luna oh and they two what share one brain the twins or is it one mouth I am unsure but they do have a habit of finding it hard to complete one sentence alone. Then again I think they have to much free will to be dragged into politics they probably leave it to imbeciles. Like Fudge and Umbitch who sent Dementors against me and my cousin that I still have to go to a full trial for."

This was news to her "Fudge and Umbitch " she shook her head "Umbridge sent them are you sure?"

The twins laughed "see oh brother of mine I told you "

They started to shout we not worthy again but were interrupted by a sound of laughter the Auror's had seen the door decorations. They were not holding in their mirth Madam Bones turned and her monocle fell from her eyes as she doubled up with laughter tears ran down her face. She turned and pretended not to notice as Harry trod on the Headmasters hands "Your work?"

Harry smiled "Yep challenged them both to a duel and beat them both at same time this was their punishment. If you mean the redecorating job nope had nada to do with it . When I came in every one was staring at me or so I thought it wasn't till my two apprentices here (Dee and Dum bowed) and showed me this master work that I realised for once it was not me being stared at."

She turned back to have another good laugh.

"The photos I understand are up for sale 1 Galleon each some goes to the fine pair of photographers the Greevey brothers. Some goes to making more posters this size at a cost of 3 galleons each. The rest goes towards pranks against Slytherin's.

Madam bones dug into her pockets and pulled out some money "I want one of each posters and I would like one of each wallet size please."

The Twins stared in shock. Harry had made a sale to the ice lady herself.

Harry smiled and pushed her money back towards her "Colin Dennis you got the folder of all the pictures you took with Snape and Ferret boy?"

A quick yes and scuffle through their respective book bags brought out two photo albums "Now Madam bones why not look through the full selection first?"

The Twins stared at his audacity and noticed he gave Dumbles a kick in the side as well.

Several Auror's came over and placed orders as well.

After all the Orders were taken Harry smiled and after giving Dumbles a swift kick got back to the previous subject.

" I unlike others (her looked at Hermoine ) do not believe in people who are higher up being able to do a good job so I half expected this scum-bag (gives another kick to side and is pleased with the moan he gets) to try and find a way to send me to the hell known as Surrey. So I decided to prove who is the better person and most intelligent ( he looked at Hermoine again) and made suyre I had proof.

Madam Bones smiled "Really? You think you out witted Dumbledore do you ? Many have tried and he all ways comes out holier than though."

Harry smiled "I am the son of prongs Godson to Padfoot yes I am sure."

The twins stared "son" (Dum) "godson "(Dee)

Harry smiled evilly first piece of evidence one photo from my Album that Hagrid gave me. I believe you say exhibit a?"

She looked at the photo it showed the potters and Black together with Lupin then Pettigrew showed up and waved then left again.

"Here is Exhibit b the paper (well a copy of the same paper) that made Black escape from Azkaban"

She looked and saw it was the one with the Weasly's on the front page.

"Here is the ultimate one exhibit c" he passed her a jar of what looked like hair "

"Mr Potter how does this prove anything?"

Harry smiled " look at the Weasly photo most importantly the rat notice its feet"

Next look at my family picture in the back ground and the are just near were Pettigrew shows up. "

She did "so there are rats in bo" She looked again they had the same markings and as she watched she could almost make out the shape of something.

Harry leaned over and passed her a magnify glass and pointed to his dads beer glass.

"She saw it the rat moved out of shot then turned into a person this person stepped into the shot and waved this person was Pettigrew."

"He is an Illegal animagus ?" she asked looking at Harry.

"Yep and old goaty here knew and never told you." It might have something to do with him teaching them it? So they could spy for him with his order of the fried turkey."

"Now his Goat ship here will say this is not good enough. (he said kicking said Goat ship who looked a lot like a battered headmaster to many others) So I took a leaf out Hermoine's book."

He held up a vial and passed it to one of the Auror's, who sniffed it. He was about to say something when Harry stopped him.

" OK Madam Bones. Pop quiz what was found of peter when my Godfather performed a spell more powerful than any of the unforgivable's ? That managed to kill 14 people with one shot?"

She replied "his finger." then looked at the Weasly photo again.

Dumbledore groaned "but I didn't know of the picture Harry has so I ca." Harry Kicked him again

"Shut it you sack of? " (he had many thought on what Dumbles was a sack of)

"OK so then just one finger that's it nothing else after so many years?"

She shook her head nothing just a finger.

Harry smiled and took a hair out of the vial and dropped it into the potion the Auror held. "Go on drink it"

The Auror nodded and swallowed it all then he changed first into a rat then morphed into Peter Pettigrew.

"Care to tell me were them hairs came from then?"

She was gob-smacked "Care to tell me why the great Goat lover here never thought to use his hairs in a Polyjuice to show proof after all he lived with the Weasly's for years and spent more time in this school than anyone?"

She could only shake her head.

She collected and had Harry sign for all the evidence. She was about to leave when Umbridge barged in hand swollen and red faced "Arrest that boy he attacked me and he spoke down to me who am vastly his superior and he hurt the noble son of the noble house of Malfoy."

Harry laughed " Bow down before me Toad for I am lord Gryffindor and Earl Slytherin."

" not to mention the boy who lived and Lord Potter" shouted Dum or was it Dee. " Yes Don't mention you own Hogwarts either after all you never know what she owns to be better than you" Shouted the other one. Before they burst out with laughter.

Harry smiled "OK no boy who lived and no Lord Potter or Owner of Hogwarts righty wont mention how she is trespassing on my land then."

This brought the twins up short "OK we changed our minds you mention that ." they said in unison or was it stereo?

Umbitch swore and called him a liar so harry calmly called forth the Sword of Gryffindor and showed her the ring of Slytherin. "So Toad why are you still on my land? Oh wait it is to be arrested for your cowardly attack on an Earl and two lords in their own home. I do believe cursing some one in the back is illegal isn't it? mind you if that is not then her confession on her and Fudge sending them Dementors after me must be."

She paled and started to wobble.

"So Madam Bones what am I in my right to do as she tried to end 3 family's? All of much more importance than hers or Fudges"

This was it she passed out as all the ramifications hit her along with a knee to the face as she came down in front of him.

"Oops Had my hands busy tried to stop her with my knee guess it didn't work ." He put his foot back down on Dumbles head and lifted it up to put it back onto his hand.

Madam Bones left soon after with her evidence and with her prisoner. Dumble made his way to the Hospital wing no one seemed inclined to help him.

Harry and the rest of the school went to their lessons.

A week Later the most feared Dark lord of all time (in his own mind any way) was not happy Wormtail had been caught and now his head itched it was almost like he had lice but as he was hairless it was impossible. Many Deatheater's noticed the dark lord scratching his head but never mentioned it. A week later Most the Deatheater's were scratching their heads but no matter what lice or flea remover they used they still itched. If they had asked a certain Luna Lovegood or her friend Harry potter they would have told them they were infected by a Wrackspurt colony, If they were in a good mood they might also mention flea powders and head lice tonics and such acted like aphrodisiacs to Wrackspurts but sadly or happily depending on who you were they did not.

The Lady with Mahogany hair had waited for the weekend with some anticipation. She loved to hear Story's from her harry. The One were Granger tripped over a Crumpled nosed Snorlack was one of her favourites maybe you will hear it some time to.

So ends my little story hope you enjoyed

Might do a epilogue with the Wrackspurts and Crumple nosed turning up in but am unsure opinions liked on this please.


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